Hello! Welcome to the mental health hotline

If you are Obsessive- Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co- dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a Manic- Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden name.

If you have post- traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short- term memory loss please try again later

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are far too busy to talk to you so fuck off.

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Im really bored xD